


stay with me, hold my hand

by spacetimeinspector



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Feelings Realization, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, set during 15x20, some details about deans death except he doesn’t die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:13:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27655301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacetimeinspector/pseuds/spacetimeinspector
Summary: Dean closed his eyes, ready to take his last breath, but suddenly all the pain in his body was gone. The metallic taste in his mouth had vanished, he no longer felt like every last drop of blood had drained out of him. He felt… completely fine.Or, what should’ve happened during Dean’s death scene, and what should’ve followed after.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 119





	stay with me, hold my hand

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first ever spn fic, I just had to fix that finale, so this is what I wish happened :) also I stopped watching spn after s10 and I’ve only seen the last 3 eps of s15 so sorry if the characterisation is off or some details aren’t perfect !!

The searing hot pain was burning through Dean’s body, pooling out from where the spike was still lodged in his back. Dean felt like he should be panicking, screaming for help, but weirdly, he felt content. Sure, he was in immense pain, but he knew it’d be over soon, and when it was over he wouldn’t have to worry anymore and he'd finally be dead, the way he always thought he should be. 

Dean could hear Sam’s rambling cries, his desperate pleas for Dean to stay conscious. Dean tried his best to focus on a weird shape on one of the walls, something to keep him awake, he’d do it for Sam. 

“There has to be something, let me just go-“

“Sam, please. Please just stay with me.” 

Sam held up Dean's face as his head started to nod downwards from his minimal strength, “You’re not going like this. I’ll just be gone for a second. Hold on, please.”

As Sam’s hand left his face and he made his way out of the barn, Dean tried to keep his head high. He focused on the door Sam left through, not wanting to miss a second of him if he came back. It seemed like an almost impossible feat, every breath he took felt like a stab to the chest. But it seemed somehow poetic, in a way. It’s not like he ever  _ wanted  _ to die, not really. He just felt like it was what he deserved after how he’d lived his life. Dean had spent a long 15 years trying to unpack that feeling, trying to believe Sam and tell himself he was wrong, he deserved to live. But now he was dying, and there was no Cas, no Jack, no Bobby, even Sam was somewhere outside, and it was just poetic. He always knew he would die alone. He wanted to laugh dryly at the situation, but it turned into a cough as blood rose in his throat. 

He took another shaky breath as the metallic taste filled his mouth, taking one last look at the barn door before letting himself give up. As he looked up he noticed a figure, too short to be Sam, and in completely different, familiar clothes. 

“Cas?”

“Dean, what have you done?”

Dean let out another laugh-turned-cough as Cas’s figure rushed toward him, “I really must be dying if I’m seeing you again,”

Cas ignored him and began trying to unlodge the spike from Dean’s back. Something in the logic side of Dean’s brain told him that if Cas was in the Empty, then Dean wouldn’t be able to see him even in death. He didn’t have time to make sense of the thought before he became fully unlodged and fell to his knees. He could feel the wound in his back, it felt like his organs were spilling out of him and he knew he was living his last moment, limply leaning his head on Cas’s shoulder who was kneeling in front of him, hands grasping at his back. 

Dean closed his eyes, ready to take his last breath, but suddenly all the pain in his body was gone. The metallic taste in his mouth had vanished, he no longer felt like his organs were exploding, like every last drop of blood had drained out of him. He felt… completely fine. He lifted his head off of Cas’s shoulder and looked him in his eyes, grasping at his own abdomen and trying to find the wound on his back. 

He figured ghosts couldn’t bleed. “Are we- Did I die? Are we dead?” 

Cas searched Dean’s eyes, hands still wound around him, “No, I healed-“

Suddenly the barn door shot open, Sam running through it. “Cas? Is that you?”

Dean looked between the two men, “You can see him too?”

Cas’s eyes still didn’t leave Dean’s face, “Yes, Sam. It’s me.” 

Dean lunged forward and enveloped Cas in a hug, not wanting to let go, wanting to be near him as much as possible before everything would inevitably be revealed as a cruel joke the way it always did. 

Sam walked up to the two men so he could see Cas better, “But Dean told me you were stuck in the Empty- how- how are you even alive?”

“Jack let me out. He has power over all the realms now, the Shadow won’t bother any of us anymore.” Dean squeezed Cas a little tighter. 

Sam let out a breathless chuckle, like he couldn’t believe it. “Of course, why didn’t we think of that? But- what are you doing here? How did you know we needed help?”

Dean loosened his grip on Cas slightly, shifting back so he could see his face as he answered, “Jack heard your prayers, Sam. He was a little busy with, well, everything, so he sent me down here to help.”

Dean looked up at Sam, and saw his face contort into a teary smile as he leaned down and enveloped the two men in a hug, the three of them huddled on their knees in an embrace. Dean thought they had run out of miracles for their lifetime, but it seemed like Jack would still keep them coming. 

After they found the lost kids and reunited them with their families, Dean still felt like he must somehow be in a dream. He kept finding himself looking at Cas through the rear view mirror, wondering how they got so lucky yet again. When they finally settled into the bunker, drinking and laughing and just existing the way they used to, with Miracle by their side, Dean felt more at home than he had in months. Dean made sure he sat next to Cas on the main table, wanting to stay close to him, the atmosphere was warm and content, instead of the usual cold and bitter. 

“Alright, I think I’m gonna head to bed.” Sam yawned and patted the table, running a hand through his hair as he stood up. 

“Goodnight, Sam.”

“Night, Sammy.”

As Sam left the room Dean felt a pressure in his chest, like there was so much he wanted to say but he didn’t know how. 

He shifted his chair a little so he was facing Cas more, “So, where have you been? If Jack brought you back, why’d you never come down and say hi, or just anything to let us know you were alive?”

“Dean, I was hardly gone that long-“

Dean tried to keep his voice light but it was faltering, “Hey, I’ll be the judge of time here, alright?” 

Cas looked down sadly, but when he met Dean’s eyes again he seemed almost proud, “I was helping Jack fix heaven,”

“Fix heaven?”

“Yes. You know intimately that it wasn’t a satisfying afterlife. It was merely a reel of memories for a soul to relive forever, a “greatest hits” as you’d put it.” Dean chuckled into his beer, “But now it’s a realm where souls go to live with other souls for eternity, in their happy place, free of responsibilities and anguish.”

Dean pat Cas on the back, “That’s awesome, man. I can’t wait to see what’s waiting for me up there.” Cas gave Dean a quizzical look, “So, if Heaven’s all good and happy now, why did you save me? Why didn’t you just let me go to the eternal happy place in the sky?”

Cas shifted in his chair, facing Dean properly with a determined look on his face, “Dean, listen to me. You don't have to die to be happy.” Dean opened his mouth to retort but Cas cut him off before he could, “You have a chance to  _ live _ now. Chuck’s gone, Jack is on your side, I’m here, Sam’s here, this is your chance to let yourself be happy. You defeated God, you’re allowed to have some time off. You don’t have to die to finally rest, please tell me you understand that.”

Dean was taken aback, he knew logically that Cas was right, but he had lived his life in a certain way for so long that he didn’t know where to start with changing it, so he never did. But with Cas’s fiery gaze making him feel exposed, he had to come to terms with his ideals. 

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” Another swig of his beer. 

“I’m always right.” Cas’s eyes lingered on Dean for a second but he seemed happy with the response, for now. 

A silence fell over them and Dean looked at Cas once again. It was hard for him to believe that such an impossible, pure, magical being cared for him so much. He felt like nothing compared to Cas, like a grain of sand on the beach and Cas was the incoming tide. But Cas saw him as so much more, more than just another human, more than another grain of sand among the billions. Dean felt like he didn’t deserve it. The feeling in his chest was bubbling up again and he didn’t know why, but he felt the strongest urge to kiss the man in front of him, to throw caution into the wind and lay everything out in front of them. He leaned forward ever so slightly and Cas noticed the shift and looked up at Dean, a genuine smile gracing his lips and Dean felt a pang of longing in his heart as Cas’s eyes sparkled under the lights. 

But as Dean leaned a fraction closer, it took all the courage he had in him to just pat Cas on the shoulder. “I think I’ll go to bed”

Cas still looked happy as ever, “Okay. Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean placed his empty beer bottle on the table and stood up, lingering behind Cas’s chair as he walked past, wanting to say more but not finding the words. 

“Walk with me?”

Cas nodded, not questioning Dean, and stood up to walk with him to his bedroom in silence. 

As they reached his room Dean took his shoes off and stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt, Cas lingering in the doorway, unsure of what to do. Dean pulled the covers back and sat on the bed, letting out an exhale and searching the room as he tried to find his vulnerability.

“Cas, will you just- can you just stay with me for a little while?” A breath, “I know you don’t sleep but I-“ Before Dean could finish his rambled excuse, Cas was at his side. 

“Of course.”

Dean slid down the bed and laid on his back, facing straight up towards the ceiling as he threw the covers on himself haphazardly. Cas sat gingerly on the edge of the bed on its empty side, his body twisted so it was facing the door, as if he were guarding Dean. Dean was showing some monumental feats in vulnerability and he didn’t want to half-ass it, so he took his opportunity. He grabbed Cas’s shoulder and gently coaxed him backward, so that they were laying side by side, shoulder to shoulder. 

“Thanks, by the way. For saving me… again.”

He felt Cas shift beside him but didn’t dare sneak a glance in the dark, “You don’t have to thank me, I’d do anything for you before you even asked.”

A lump formed in the back of Dean’s throat. Not trusting himself to speak, he grasped in the dark for Cas’s hand. Once he found it he laced their fingers together, still not daring to look into Cas’s eyes, and held their joined hands to his chest. A reminder to himself that his heart was still beating, he was alive, and Cas was with him. They were together again, and he wasn’t letting go of Cas anytime soon. 

—

When Dean woke up he was alone in his bed, he felt so happy and peaceful and well rested that for a second he wondered if the whole previous night was just a dream. He almost thought it was too good to be true until he heard Cas’s voice echoing through the bunker as he talked to Sam. He did his morning routine as quickly as possible, not wanting to miss a second of their conversation. 

When he walked into the main room, towel in his hand as he dried his hair, he noticed someone else there with Cas and Sam, and Dean almost couldn’t believe it. 

“Jack!”

The new God turned around to greet Dean, who in turn took a few long strides and enveloped him in a hug, ruffling his hair as he did. 

Dean couldn’t keep the smile off of his face, “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I’m just here to say hi! I shouldn’t really be doing house calls but I promised myself I’d come visit you guys as soon as I had some free time.”

“Cas told me what you did with Heaven, you’re really doing well, kid.”

Jack smiled his pure, trademark smile, “Chuck left me with quite a mess to clean up, but I think we’re doing fine so far.”

“You sure are.” Dean patted Jack on the back and ruffled his hair again for good measure, “Are you staying long?”

Jack sighed, “Actually I should’ve left about five minutes ago, but I didn’t want to leave without saying hi to all of you. I’ll get going. See you guys!”

Before anyone could respond, Jack vanished in front of their eyes. Sam shook his head, smiling, before turning his attention back to his laptop. Cas took a seat across from him, and Dean’s eyes lingered on him for a second longer than he liked. His heart rate sped up just seeing Cas sitting there and it was killing him. He just wanted to be close to him, he wanted to hold him and know that everything would be alright. 

“I’m gonna go take Miracle for a walk.”

He grabbed the leash and attached it to Miracle’s collar before slipping on the nearest pair of shoes and leaving the bunker before he suffocated in his emotions. 

The air was warm and crisp, and cars drove by without a care. You’d never guess that just a few months ago the world was ending and everyone was dead. You’d never even know that there was a new God, unless you were already dead anyway. 

Dean usually went on a drive when he needed some time to think, but now that he had Miracle he used walking him as his opportunity to get lost in his thoughts. Now that Cas was back, Dean had to confront feelings that he’d never considered before. He loved Cas, sure, but he also loved Bobby, and Charlie, and everyone else who was a part of their family. It didn’t have to mean anything beyond that. 

Except Cas confessed his love to Dean, and suddenly it had him thinking about the implications of his feelings a little bit more. But it didn’t matter, because Cas was dead and they were never getting him back, so what was the point in Dean figuring out how he felt? It wasn’t like he’d ever get the opportunity to tell him. 

But of course, Cas had to go ahead and show up, to be alive and breathing and saving Dean yet again. It was easy for Dean to practice his world famous emotional repression when he knew that expressing those emotions wouldn’t do anyone any good. But now, with Cas right there with them again, everything was threatening to spill over and he couldn’t find a reason to stop it. Cas deserved to know how Dean felt after he sacrificed himself for him, for the world. It was the least that he could do. 

He made his way back to the bunker and let Miracle off his leash, scanning the bunker to find Cas still sitting where he was when Dean had left. 

Dean grabbed a beer out of the fridge as a reflex and made his way to Cas, “Where’s Sam?”

Cas looked up as if he just noticed Dean walking in, “Him and Eileen went to the shops to get some food.”

Dean grunted in acknowledgement and sat down next to Cas, “I guess we are running low on supplies.”

They sat in silence for a moment until Dean could feel himself almost bursting at the seams, he shifted his chair so it was facing towards Cas and he promised himself he would be braver than he was the night before. 

“Look, Cas, I’ve been thinking…” He faltered, trying to find the words. 

Cas looked up at Dean and shifted his chair towards him, mirroring his position. “Yes?”

The look in Cas’s eyes, the way he seemed so happy to just be near Dean, it made warmth bubble up in his chest and he had the strongest urge to kiss Cas again. Dean leaned forward, arm stretched out to cup Cas’s cheek but his fear took the better of him again and his hand ended up in the crook of his neck. 

“Cas, I just need to know, what you said to me, before the Empty took you-“

Cas looked almost scared, like his confession ruined the fabric of their friendship forever and he was about to reap the consequences. “Dean…”

“No, Cas, I just- when you told me... That you loved me,” the words felt foreign in his mouth, “What did you mean? Really, what did you mean?”

“Dean, I don’t know if I should-”

“Please,” He knew he sounded pathetic, begging Cas to love him the way he hoped he would, “Please just tell me what you meant because I don’t want to screw this up again.”

Dean stared into Cas’s eyes pleadingly, and it must’ve been enough for Cas to believe that he wasn’t about to ruin their relationship because after an exhale he responded, “When I said I loved you I meant it. I still mean it. I’m in love with you, I have been for a long time.”

Dean felt like the breath was taken out of his lungs as he heard the words plain and simple,  _ I’m in love with you,  _ it seemed too good to be true. Dean’s mind was racing along with his heart and Cas looked worried again, like it was the wrong thing to say. There was a ringing in Dean’s ears like the first time Cas tried to talk to him all those years ago and he didn’t want to live cautiously anymore, he wanted to give Cas the vulnerability he deserved. 

Dean lunged forward, holding Cas’s face in both his hands, and kissed him hard, almost missing his mouth in his fervor. Cas’s hands grasped Dean’s biceps, not pushing him away or pulling him any closer, just acknowledging the moment. Dean leaned as far forward as he could while still remaining in his chair, their knees touching and preventing any further closeness. It wasn’t a good kiss by any means, it wasn’t sweet or sexual, it was Dean desperately trying to convey everything he’d ever wanted to say in the one movement, and hoping Cas would understand. 

Dean pulled away when he needed to breathe, his fingers lacing in the hair at the nape or Cas’s neck. 

“Dean-“

“Please, just let me say this. I love you. I love you so much and I never even realised it before. I’m sorry I’m bad at these things, I just need-“

Cas was looking at him softly with wonder, like he never expected to hear those three words said to him, about him, ever in his life. Dean couldn’t help but lean in to kiss him again, softer but still as determined. He hated himself for not telling Cas how he felt before the Empty took him, he didn’t want to waste another second not letting Cas know that he’s loved. Cas’s hands travelled further up Dean’s arms and wound around his shoulders and Dean’s fingers roamed more of Cas’s hair. Dean wasn’t sure he‘d ever felt so in love, he couldn’t help but smile against Cas’s lips. 

When they pulled apart again, Dean buried his head in Cas’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes tight. “I love you, Cas, I’m sorry I ever let you think differently.”

Cas rubbed circles into his upper back, “Dean, it’s okay. I know now.”

Dean pulled back again to see Cas’s face and found him smiling, a genuine smile that he hardly ever wore and Dean supposed he really didn’t have to go to heaven to feel true happiness when he could wake up every day to find Cas looking at him like that. 

“Y'know I’m never letting you go again, right?”

Cas chuckled lightly, “I wouldn’t want you to.”

He didn’t have to think twice about kissing him again. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope u liked it!!! if u didn’t sorry my bad


End file.
